No Title

Well, life is ok. I just seem to keep fucking up. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, like, ever. And all kinds of things are just...shifting. And I can't decide whether or not I want to wake up and deal with life, or if I just want to lie there...and continue to not care. Sometimes, I'm honest to God happy, and that, every now and then, makes up for it. But sometimes, a silver lining isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. Most times, I just do not care. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with people. I can't decide who I want to be sometimes. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with myself. And, well, I can't stop some things, I can't change some things, and all I can do is save myself right now. I can see what most people can't. For some reason, I've been allowed to do that. I'm objective, which lends a cold edge to the way I see things. I think drama is such a fucking waste of time that I hate those that promote it. I really have tried to help everyone, but I can't pretend that it's not on a superficial level. There are around twenty people at school that I actually give a shit about. I hate to say it. But it's true. The rest of them, well, they do matter, but not like seven out of that twenty matter. And not like the other thirteen matter. I fall in love with people for who they are, not love as in romantic love, but the kind of family love that matters more than life to ppl like me. There are (something like) seven people I fell for. Some I just found, others have been here since fourth of fifth grade. I'll never give up on them. I can't. There is nothing more loyal than a Kenzi that loves you. And, if I've screwed up and said something stupid to you before, or done something stupid, and you can't forgive me, then I'm sorry, but I don't see how I can change it. It is extremely hard to explain the love I have for some people. I respect a lot of people, too. I'm infatuated with a couple. I'm awestruck by one. I couldn't live without one, without doubt. I want to fix everything for these people, and I can't. Most of them don't know that I do love them that much. That the rest of the population could go fuck itself for all I care. Half of them, I couldn't tell. I want to. But I can't seem to bring myself to. How do you do something like that? "Hi. You mean more than life to me. How was your day?" One, I'm becoming infatuated with. Oh shite. And another, well, that was beyond my control (cruelty). I'm not whining or bitching. But, I don't know. What can you do when you don't see the point in waking up day after day? When you forget what that reason for living had been just last night? I know, every now and then it hits me, that I guess I'm worth it in myself. But, precisely what is life without those that I love? I don't see it. And the thought that I might not have them at the end of the day keeps me from doing some seriously stupid stuff. Like moving. Like...let's say...taking way too many of those blue pills. I'm not suicidal. But, still. I'm tired of floating. I'm tired of giving of myself, and getting selfish people's reactions in return. I guess I'm just tired of the bullshit. I want people to get over the stupid stuff in life and get to the good parts. We've got a freedom that adults don't have, no matter how chained we feel. Ok. So we are chained, and most of us don't have financial freedom, but still. We are allowed to go out and do stupid stuff and still get the biggest kick out of it. So why don't we? Why the hell do some of us just HAVE to drag the rest of us down with their dramas? It's tiring. I love life. No matter how shitty it seems sometimes, I simply adore it. It's great to be alive, and I still haven't found out why. If I knew, I'd market the stuff. But, now that I've got it, I'm not going to let ppl get in the way. Although I need them...that presents a problem. Um. Ok. So, well, I'm just not going to let the drama-mongers get to me anymore. No matter how much I want them around to partake. I want what I had before. I'm not letting this get to me again. I can't, or I'll suffocate and die. Asphyxia of the soul. I mean, there is no point in being depressed all the freaking time, and worrying about what people think about you is just as pointless, and it's so boring and same old same old. And it will kill you. And your social life. Which is pretty much what high school is about. So. Well. I guess that's the deal I've just made with myself. Get mellow again. And have one hell of a good time. Phuckin right. Have a problem with my philosophies? Call 1-800- I Don't Give a Shit. Much love to those that know.


	Miscellaneous prev Next Well, life is ok. I just seem to keep fucking up. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, like, ever. And all kinds of things are just...shifting. And I can't decide whether or not I want to wake up and deal with life, or if I just want to lie there...and continue to not care. Sometimes, I'm honest to God happy, and that, every now and then, makes up for it. But sometimes, a silver lining isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. Most times, I just do not care. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with people. I can't decide who I want to be sometimes. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with myself. And, well, I can't stop some things, I can't change some things, and all I can do is save myself right now. I can see what most people can't. For some reason, I've been allowed to do that. I'm objective, which lends a cold edge to the way I see things. I think drama is such a fucking waste of time that I hate those that promote it. I really have tried to help everyone, but I can't pretend that it's not on a superficial level. There are around twenty people at school that I actually give a shit about. I hate to say it. But it's true. The rest of them, well, they do matter, but not like seven out of that twenty matter. And not like the other thirteen matter. I fall in love with people for who they are, not love as in romantic love, but the kind of family love that matters more than life to ppl like me. There are (something like) seven people I fell for. Some I just found, others have been here since fourth of fifth grade. I'll never give up on them. I can't. There is nothing more loyal than a Kenzi that loves you. And, if I've screwed up and said something stupid to you before, or done something stupid, and you can't forgive me, then I'm sorry, but I don't see how I can change it. It is extremely hard to explain the love I have for some people. I respect a lot of people, too. I'm infatuated with a couple. I'm awestruck by one. I couldn't live without one, without doubt. I want to fix everything for these people, and I can't. Most of them don't know that I do love them that much. That the rest of the population could go fuck itself for all I care. Half of them, I couldn't tell. I want to. But I can't seem to bring myself to. How do you do something like that? "Hi. You mean more than life to me. How was your day?" One, I'm becoming infatuated with. Oh shite. And another, well, that was beyond my control (cruelty). I'm not whining or bitching. But, I don't know. What can you do when you don't see the point in waking up day after day? When you forget what that reason for living had been just last night? I know, every now and then it hits me, that I guess I'm worth it in myself. But, precisely what is life without those that I love? I don't see it. And the thought that I might not have them at the end of the day keeps me from doing some seriously stupid stuff. Like moving. Like...let's say...taking way too many of those blue pills. I'm not suicidal. But, still. I'm tired of floating. I'm tired of giving of myself, and getting selfish people's reactions in return. I guess I'm just tired of the bullshit. I want people to get over the stupid stuff in life and get to the good parts. We've got a freedom that adults don't have, no matter how chained we feel. Ok. So we are chained, and most of us don't have financial freedom, but still. We are allowed to go out and do stupid stuff and still get the biggest kick out of it. So why don't we? Why the hell do some of us just HAVE to drag the rest of us down with their dramas? It's tiring. I love life. No matter how shitty it seems sometimes, I simply adore it. It's great to be alive, and I still haven't found out why. If I knew, I'd market the stuff. But, now that I've got it, I'm not going to let ppl get in the way. Although I need them...that presents a problem. Um. Ok. So, well, I'm just not going to let the drama-mongers get to me anymore. No matter how much I want them around to partake. I want what I had before. I'm not letting this get to me again. I can't, or I'll suffocate and die. Asphyxia of the soul. I mean, there is no point in being depressed all the freaking time, and worrying about what people think about you is just as pointless, and it's so boring and same old same old. And it will kill you. And your social life. Which is pretty much what high school is about. So. Well. I guess that's the deal I've just made with myself. Get mellow again. And have one hell of a good time. Phuckin right. Have a problem with my philosophies? Call 1-800- I Don't Give a Shit. Much love to those that know.